Thursday, July 7, 2011
I DIDN'T MEAN TO :
When it comes to guys, I'm a bitch. I say one thing, and I mean something totally different. I can't help it. I like the attention I get because although I'm a pretty confident person there are always some things that still bug me about myself. When I have guys around to constantly feed my ego, I feel invincible. I want to lie to myself and say that I'm happy enough with my own thoughts and to fuck what other's think, but that's undeniably dishonest. I want attention. I want people to admire me. I want compliments. I think we're all programmed this way. Sometimes I think to myself, wow we're such monsters. It's a little sick. But, it's not unheard of.
It seems like these days all I've been doing is hurting other people. I lead people on, I'm just unattached. I don't want commitment, I just want somebody to love me without the love back. I go on dates and tell myself I'm not going to fuck around with their emotions anymore, but it happens. I flirt shamelessly, I'll pretend to be shy. I'll be the same person, I'll keep my personality funny and light. They compliment me, I laugh. I laugh all night and try to keep them smiling too. It might be fun while i'm on the date, but when I get home I just feel empty. I'm not sure if I was always like this. But there's really nothing keeping me from floating, nothing that catches my interest for more than just a little while. So, this post is for you. All the people reading who fuck around with people too, because they aren't happy. It's a nice adrenaline rush to have all these people wanting to be with you. Who like you, who admire you. Who read your fucking blog! Who tell you you're pretty. Who would do anything they asked you to. It's almost like an addiction I have to enjoying the way I feel when I know a guy likes me. I didn't want to hurt anybody.
But the first step to changing is learning how to assess the problem. If you recognize that something you do isn't right then you're on the right track. I mean a lot of people would just choose to ignore it. They are happy lying to themselves. But the gritty aspects of your life is your biggest secret. It's the place where you truly examine who you are without sugar coating anything. You can see that yeah, maybe you are an attention whore. Maybe you're needy, or clingy. Maybe you're selfish and greedy. Don't stand in the way of yourself. I hope this post didn't sound cocky, because I'm not trying to say I'm this amazing girl who gets a lot of dudes. I'm just telling you the truth because nobody wants to read about a blog that's fucking vague. You have to tell the truth so people can relate to you, because I understand that we all have inner demons we have to face. It's hard at first but you don't have to be in a such a rush. Like I said, the first step is knowing that you have a problem. You can't change overnight. But, don't worry guys. I believe in you.